Beautiful Soul

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and it is exceedingly perverse and corrupt and severely, mortally sick! Who can know it [perceive, understand, be acquainted with his own heart and mind]? [Matt. 13:15-17; Mark 7:21-23; Eph. 4:20-24.]”‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭17:9‬ ‭AMP‬‬

http://bible.com/8/jer.17.9.amp
My heart has been deceiving me lately and it’s caused me to retract and curl up into a ball..I feel that no one truly understands how I feel at this very (season) in time and I cry myself to sleep most nights thinking about how life has handed me my fair share of lemons in the “matters of the heart” department. It’s difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I’ve just about given up hope. What doesn’t help is that my head tells me these things I should be doing but my heart just can’t gather enough strength to do it. God, where are you? And why are you making me wait so long?

I’ve always wanted to write like Carrie in Sex & The City, to have that penmanship of a reflective, mature adult going through life’s ups and downs and yet still able to dish out ‘Aunt Agony’ relationship advice. 

I’ve discovered that the more I know, the less I know (hear me out on this one) 

My heart and my head have been in twists of all sorts, some days even at battle with each other to the point that I think I’m going crazy. I really thought that I’ve been through enough, seen enough, and learned enough through my own experiences and that of others to know how to control the matters of my heart. But I guess who ever has control over that? The heart wants what it wants. It reacts and it wavers however it wants to. That’s where the head comes in and logic tries to reason out with it. Why does it have to be such a wrestle? 😫 

Timing sucks. Life is not always fair. 😔

Been pondering about this for a long time now and finally I have the time to type this out. Also I need to rant but don’t think this rant is appropriate to be verbalised to anyone at all.

I don’t even know how to begin with expressing how annoyed I’ve been lately with some people. One of the biggest downfalls of a community is when interpersonal relationships are not thriving, or there are moths eating away at them. Slow and unnoticeable at first but extensive damage in the end.

The sad truth is that this is happening in a community that is supposed to be exemplifying the exact opposite. A community that is supposed to be beating the odds; going against the current; and coming up victoriously on top.

I can’t sit back and watch it fall to pieces. I can’t bear even the idea of it. Not to say that I’ve got the solution coz I feel that I myself have been involved too because of previous hurts. I’m only tired of adding fuel to the fire and hearing things that cause that to happen. Sometimes I just feel like saying “Grow Up.” Seriously. Is life that monotonous and boring that there is such a need for all the backtalk and one sided lies half truths?

There are two sides to every story. Judging any scenario or person with only half of the story is just like reading a book halfway without knowing how it ends. It could go down a million different ways. Plus, why do you personalise something that didn’t even involve you in the first place? People make their own choices and they have to learn to live with it. Some choices may have flopped on them while some choices may have taken them to greater places. Each man charters his own course, and while not everyone agrees with it, your job as a friend is to offer your advise and protect your friend as much as you can but you can’t make the decision for him.

And don’t be two-faced. This is where it hits me to the core. I can’t stand superficial “friends” who only call on me when they need something or call me a close friend when it benefits them. At least make some honest effort at keeping the friendship alive before you even think of pulling out the friend card. Have you ever thought about whether you have been a good friend?

If you terasa, then maybe you’ve got some serious reflection to do. Before you pass judgment you need to get yourself in check too.

So the trip to Australia happened and it was such a good time soaking in the friendships..many things have changed but the friends are still as awesome as ever. I love how easy it is to just catch up over lost time; I treasure those kind of friendships and am ever grateful for them. Those are the ones who can be honest to my face and tell me what I need to hear – note the word ‘need‘ and not ‘want‘.

As I’ve grown older I realised I don’t need a grand affair for a birthday but I’d rather spend time with the people I love most. Plus minus the opportunity to do what I love – cook/bake – for them.

That was how it turned out this year 🙂

Perfect. ❤

I’ve had this title in my head since the beginning of the year but I never knew what to write about it til now. And even then I’m still figuring out what this means for me.

This year started off very differently; if last year was a feel-good and comfortable year, this year has already been a hectic year though we’ve only reached quarter-way. I can’t believe we are 3months in, coming to 4 in about a week’s time!

This year started off with determination to be better – in ministry, in work, in relationships..but I feel like I’ve been trudging through these 3 months. My patience has hit an all-time low and even I scare myself at how easily I get annoyed with anyone and everyone. I keep praying that God will restore that ‘inner beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is of great worth in God’s sight’ which has been buried somewhere deep inside. 1 Peter 3:4. And since I looked up this verse to write in this post, God has brought it up in two other separate occasions.

A few eventful things that has happened since Jan, some bad and some good:
1. I finally got my Australian PR! Yay! And have bought my tickets to Brisbane and Melbourne, a birthday gift to myself. Finally after 2 years I get to step on Australian soil again.

2. I was diagnosed with Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo in Feb and it has taken me out of my exercise routine, which has frustrated me more than ever because I feel so unenergetic and lumpy. To this day it still affects me and I dare not push myself too hard. I still do not know though, why I had a fainting episode in Dec and I still feel like I’m falling or about to fall sometimes. And as of today I am on regular medication 😦 which I find it hard to accept too. Boo.

3. I was transferred to Tutong Hospital for 1 month. I was supposed to stay there for 3 months but thank God that my colleague’s transfer was processed quicker. I was getting quite lethargic from the commute alone.

4. I wish I could say something about having a guy in my life but unfortunately (or fortunately I don’t know) I don’t have much to say about this.

5. It’s wedding galore season for me – being bridesmaid for one, maid of honour for another and guest for another (thats only for the weddings that I can actually attend this year). So I’m excited but it also adds salt to the wound in no.4 above

6. The non-physical atmosphere in Brunei is starting to change and originally I was thinking of giving up my Australian PR along the way but I’m still reconsidering and going to pray through what God has in store for me. I feel it’s going to be a tough decision just because the logical reasoning may not necessarily be in line with the divine.

I had a revelation the other day about God being the God of the seasons (in life). I guess I have been running around on hyperactive mode that I found it difficult to just sit still and be quiet. In talking with Lorene and Stephen recently, this subject came up in relation to prayer, that we have always learnt to talk and talk and present our requests but not to just sit still and bask in God’s presence and hear from Him without giving Him a time limit. And that’s one thing I realised I’ve been missing. Which is why now I understand a bit more about why I wanted to write about this topic. In a way I feel that things have happened so that I would have no choice but to slow down and rely on God alone…

It came across my mind just the other day to return to the blogging world, and what better time to start than 1st January 2014! Everyone’s been posting on instagram about their highlight moments in 2013 or their hopes for the new year…

But I thought I’d just say what I’m thankful for that happened in 2013 (not in any order):

1. I’ve travelled to more places last year than I’ve ever done in all my 26 years combined – new spots covered were China, Macau, HK, Cambodia and Bangkok, all different but amazing experiences. Discovered that despite all the planning required, I thrive on traveling and discovering new places.

2. Visited not one, but three(!) orphanages and left bits of my heart at all three in Cambodia

3. Opening up my social circle and making new longlasting friendships – the types where we could grow old and gossip over tea together. Bonus: Unintentionally matchmaking one of those friends 🙂

4. Becoming bridesmaid to a bff, and organising and diy decorating reception of said friend. Bridesmaid bucketlist struck off! And double blessing of having that opportunity again this year (was asked before the clock struck 12 so still counts as 2013 blessing) 🙂

5. How could I forget, getting my own white stallion of a car! My biggest investment thus far, and also one I’m very proud of. Enjoying it very much!

6. Getting confirmed in the workplace and getting a stable income every month (instead of variable income depending on how many days off I take) and also not forgetting 42 days of leave each work year! Woot!!

7. Getting a case officer for my PR and at the same timeframe getting called for Brunei citizenship test (which I havent yet heard the results of – but apparently it’s a good thing!)

The best thing about 2013 was being able to testify that ‘Life is good’. Indeed life is good. Here’s to a ‘gooder’ 2014 which personally I think will be much more exciting; I can feel it! 🙂

Xx

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Live at Peace – As Far As It Depends on You
by Rick Warren
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18 NIV)

Is there someone in your life who insists on poking you in the eye every time he sees you? The Bible doesn’t say you have to just let it keep happening. It does say that some people are toxic: “Their venom is like the venom of a snake …” (Psalm 58:4 NIV)

Having someone like that in your life can mess up your attitude. It can mess up your friendships. It can mess up your marriage.

People who are toxic are going to blame anyone but themselves — including you — for the problems in their lives. They may love to blame you for their pain, but you have to realize that it’s not about you. It’s about them.

When these chaotic people get around you, it starts to rub off, and you may start thinking, “Am I going crazy? I know they’re crazy, but am I crazy, too?”

No, you’re not crazy. Remember: It’s not about you.

The Bible says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). Notice the two qualifiers in this verse. First, it says “if” it is possible, not “it is.” Second, it says “as far as it depends on you.”

I don’t know if you’ve learned this yet, but it’s not always possible to live at peace. There are some people who, no matter what you do, are still going to poke you in the eye. It doesn’t have anything to do with you. It has to do with their pain and their hurt.

You know what I love about the Bible? It always tells the truth about God, life, and human behavior. The Bible points out that it’s not always possible to live at peace with everybody. There are some people you just can’t get along with. There are some people who, no matter how nice you are to them, are still going to be mean to you.

God says you need to realize that it’s not about you. Then, you need to move on.

Talk About It

What does “as far as it depends on you” mean? How can you apply this qualifier to a specific struggle you have with someone in your life?

If you struggle, thinking you must be at peace with everyone, even those who poison your life, you may need to take a step of faith toward believing Romans 12:18. Ask God to help you.

It’s time to soar.